EXCLUSIVE: HERO NOBLEWOMAN STANDS UP TO POWERFUL HOMELESS

0900 hrs, Hyannis MA: in a bold and courageous move, councilwoman and genius, Jen Cullum let the needle freaks have a piece of her mind!

Representative of Barnstable's 10th district, which includes the vulnerable Hyannis Port district, Cullum lady told the town meeting her plan to deal with the undesirables: "FIRST OF ALL, LET'S CALL THE JUNKIES WHUT THEY REALLY ARE..." "WHICH IS BAD" The Honorable Ms. Cullum continued, "I HAVE PERSONALLY SEEN SEVERAL NEEDLES IN AND AROUND HYANNIS! THEY ARE THREATS"

We need more Cullums in our community!!!!

BREAKING EXCLUSIVE NEWS: I SAW WHAT WAS PROBABLY A DRUG DEAL

East Falmouth, MA: 

At approx. 10:30am, EST, I saw what appeared to be an DRUG DEAL!!!!!!. RIGHT IN OUR TOWN!!! As I was innocently going to Dunkin' Donuts after praying at church, a man began driving into the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru. As this man was in his 20's, was wearing a HOOD!!. and had a Japanese made car, he was CLEARLY A THUG!!

Because of how he was dressed, I thought the best course of action was to follow this man until he either did drugs, or went back to Mashpee. Sure enough, as soon as he got to the drive thru window, he handed the teller CASH!!!! Now, you might be thinking "oh, but this sounds like some kind of innocent donut transaction... derp derp." WELL, YOU ARE NAIVE!! Because when I drove up to the window...... THERE WAS WHITE POWDER ALL OVER THE COUNTER!!!

SCARED AND ANGRY YET?? YOU SHOULD BE!!